Today I read a quote that cut to the heart of what my life is about right now:
People don't fear change, they fear loss. UCLA Staff and Counseling Center
I have to be honest in that I really am okay with change as a general rule however I resist it just like everyone else sometimes and this statement resonates with me as to why that is.
I have many changes coming my way in the ensuing months including my baby of the family going off to college, my job responsibilities changing with me giving up some things I love to do (to take on things that aren't necessarily my favorite), family changes that require a lot of attention on my part as a guardian for my disabled sister and oh....did I mention my baby girl going off to college?
I'm not losing my baby but I am letting go of her daily presence in my physical life. That hurts. That person that came from my body that slowly and gradually made her own way to the point that she can stand on her own is now venturing out into the world. While this is as it should be, it will still be hard to face that moment when it arrives. I'm ready, she's ready, but is the world ready for us without each other everyday? We'll see. I'm feeling the inevitable approach of that loss.
My work life is changing at the same time. Why these things don't just happen one event at a time, I'll never know. Meeting the parents and families that we serve has been vital to me being able to love this organization and what we stand for at Giraffe Laugh. Removing myself from that process a bit by giving up being a site director is a loss that I know I will alternately revel in and regret to some degree.
Getting to know their little personalities and their stories from the get-go and having a relationship with each of them will be harder for me to connect the dots so I'm working on how to be sure I still get those stories and opportunities to fall in love with people. To know someone's story is to love them. I will miss knowing it first hand and that loss is scaring me.
The change to allow different leadership to emerge while lightening my load does not scare me at all, so it WILL be a good trade-off, it's just harder to see on this side of the process.
My sister Sue who is disabled and was mistreated by the agency that was charged with "caring" for her is now being situated from her group home, to my mom's home to a home with my younger sister. While it's all very exciting and a new beginning, again, it's a new beginning and going through the story of her abuse at their hands has been difficult at best. I fear the loss of my younger sisters chance at a life different from what it will be now and with that goes some guilt. She says it's a life she wants and that she will cherish so I have to trust that she is right.
Not everyone wants what I think they should want. Not everyone believes that I know best and that if they just relaxed and did what I told them they'd be better off!! Not everyone fears the same losses that I fear.
Learning to navigate new territory over the next few months will take some strength and while I will be grieving some of my losses I will immerse myself in gratefulness that I have people and things to "lose".
I can't imagine my life without any of these current challenges. These challenges really are gains, not losses and I'm learning to perceive my losses as actual gains that someday I will divest myself of with the same resistance and regret that I feel now....that's how I'll know I did it right.
