My first and second husband PART II

Divorce is both an ending and a beginning. While the possibilities of how things will turn out are both fascinating and terrifying it's a precipice we stand on for some time before we know where we land.

I was 27, divorced with a two year old (read last blog, Part I for details) and terrified yet fascinated by what my new world would bring. They say divorced adults act a lot like teenagers without most of the reservations we had as teens. I would say this is somewhat true, but will also spare you the details other than to say my sister Jeanine and I loved going out dancing on Friday nights while mom took care of our kids.

After a year apart Joe, my first husband, whom I was now divorced from, moved to town and life got more complicated.

I had settled into a routine with our son, Alex that included arriving at work at 6:30 am, leaving at 3:30 pm then riding my bike with him on the back through the parks in Boise. I lived in a lovely home on Bannock after a brief stay with my mom who graciously allowed us to live with her for awhile. I was saving for a house and I had two jobs.  

One was at a childcare center that was very expensive (I could only afford to have my son there because I was a teacher) and launched my career in early childhood. The other was at J.C. Penny's selling housewares which was my Friday night and weekend job that landed me downtown near my home on Bannock.

Repairing relationships takes many things, most of which are really, really hard, much of which simply takes time.

When Joe moved to town, I wanted one thing. A routine that was predictable and that Alex would benefit from. At first it was sporadic and I would arrive at his center (by then Alex had moved to another branch so he could benefit from some separation) and I would arrive to find out his dad had picked him up. Our first of many negotiations ensued.

It was the hardest thing we'd done to date. We sat down and worked out a schedule that we promised to stick to. We were all about Team Alex and while we didn't like the restrictions, we knew he was at the center of our decisions and worked hard to be adult about it.

Joe's parents had been divorced and set a wonderful example of communication and togetherness and compromise that we tried to follow. In fact one of my favorite memories of this time was when his parents called me and asked if they could bring Alex a gift. They knew I had a yard at the Bannock house and asked if they could bring him a swing set.

It was one of the most touching moments of my life.

They showed up in their pick up truck with a swing set for him. In a gigantic box that took all three adults and one toddler to heave out and carry to the back yard.

My Mother-in-Laws husband, Jon, spent an entire day putting it together in our back yard while Judy and I visited and she basked in the presence of her grandson. She expressed her fears that she worried I wouldn't want them in our lives anymore and how much they still wanted to be a part of our lives. We cried, we hugged, we made promises that were kept.

Healing occurred that day. Healing that was both important and necessary for our family to restore it's brokenness. 

By family I mean everyone. We put off telling our family because as the first married on both sides, we knew how disappointed they would all be. We knew that facing that disappointment and seeing it in our families eyes would hurt...and we were right. It did. They grieved and adjusted too.

When my mom told her best friend, who was the mother of my best friend and Maid of Honor, she replied, "I would do anything if my daughter could call and tell me she was getting a divorce."

Her daughter, our Maid of Honor had passed away in a car accident just a few years before.

My mom said this changed her entire perspective...there are worse things than divorce. 

It's odd watching your ex spouse date other people and there was always Alex to think of. How long do you wait before he meets someone? Should he ever meet someone? Should the ex be able to introduce him to other women and if so, when? These are all important questions that divorced parents face.

For us, it boiled down to trusting that the other person was firmly and forever Team Alex. That doesn't mean there weren't fears, or concerns, or jealousy or anger. What it means is we tried hard to trust that the other parent would make the best choice possible and that we had to let go because, after all, we'd created this.

We both ended up doing what the other wished we'd done all along. I had to work and build a career. I couldn't be at home, sulking, wishing for more involvement from my spouse. I guess it should've been no surprise when Joe sent me a huge bouquet with a congratulations note when I became the Director of the childcare I worked at. In the meantime, he was parenting more.

I was so proud of him each time he took his sons hand and walked away from me to their life together but it also broke my heart that I wasn't a part of it. To share your child with anyone, even if it's their biological parent just doesn't feel right. When you're away, you want them, when you're together you think about when you'll be apart and figure out ways to enhance your own life and fill it with meaningful things until you can be together again. It was both brutal and good for me.

I was a better parent by far, and so was he. Our respect for one another was growing each day.

I did buy that house and as parents we struggled along and did our best and when I asked Joe if he wanted to take a parenting class with me, he agreed. Alex was having some behavior issues and we wanted to co-parent in such a way that we would all benefit. We blamed ourselves. If everyone is doing the same thing, then how could we lose?

So we signed up and off we went. There was a single mom who was a widow. There was a couple with the grandma who was too lenient. There was a mom and dad and the new step-mom parenting 3 kids together. We were a motley crew, but our collective goal was to have healthy families no matter what those families looked like.

Toward the end of our class, we got the proverbial question, "Now why are you guys divorced?"

It was said often and we didn't always have an answer. We were both dating other people and when we had our party at the end, a round robin of games, he brought her. I'd met her and he had reassured me that she was wonderful with Alex. She seemed nice enough.

So we played and played and played games all night and the winners of each game kept ending up at the same table and those winners were consistently Joe and Lori. She was in another room, playing different games, working hard I'm sure to reunite with her boyfriend who was having a blast with his ex wife. 

Is this where I admit that I was wickedly enjoying her angst?

It was only a few short months later that we went to my sister in laws wedding. Both Alex and I were in the wedding and so was Joe. Odd to think we were all up on the alter together being altered together in that moment.

After the ceremony the family priest asked my mother in law what was going on between us during the wedding ceremony while Joe's girlfriend sat in the pew watching? She saw it and wondered too.

While I was aware of the moment, to me it was one more step toward healing. Sure I looked at him as if to ask, "What happened to us? How did we let this happen?" He looked back with the same question in his eyes. 

Sure we succumbed to the moment that everyone does at a wedding where we feel hopeful and loving toward everyone and excited about futures and were misty eyed doing that.

Sure we were in the wedding photo's but also careful not to stand near one another for fear of giving anyone, including ourselves hope.

The next day, the girlfriend flew out, and I was putting Alex down for a nap. Alex kept asking for his dad and Joe overheard so he came in and laid down on the other side of our baby, now almost 4. Alex was basking in the joint attention of his parents which hadn't happened before as far as he could remember. Then something happened.

Alex took my hand that he was holding and he took his dads hand that he was holding and he slowly and deliberately brought them up above his body and put them together. The adorable smile on his face when our hands met had us all giggling, albeit nervously. It wasn't long before we all fell asleep.

Love lies in many places, but it always lies where our children do. 

A few short days before, Joe had taken us to the wedding (2 hours away) and was now driving us home. On that ride home, he said, "Promise me that if we're still doing this five years from now you'll think about marrying me again."

What bravery men have. They are usually the one to muster the courage to ask a woman on a date. They are the ones who ask a woman to marry them. Even harder, they may be the person who asks a woman to marry him again. That's putting your heart on the line. That has to be many moments made up of sheer terror.

I said "No." I didn't shout it, I wasn't angry, I was resolved and not ready to possibly fail again. I reminded him that when we were married, I wanted to go to a counselor and he didn't. I said that if we were to try to do it again we couldn't do it without help. I knew he would not go to counseling with me, so I had a valid excuse and thought the conversation was over.

The next week he called me and asked me if I could meet him at Milt Klein's office. I asked him why and he told me Milt was a counselor and he had set up an appointment for us.

He called my bluff.

I cried and railed against possibilities I wasn't ready to consider again. He had a girlfriend after all and what if we tried and failed again, what about our family, but most importantly, what if we got Alex's hopes up? What if I got my own hopes up and we failed again? I did not feel ready for that. I was the don't-look-back-be-realistic-girl.

Joe is a salesman and a really good one. He told me he broke up with the girlfriend. He suggested we not tell anyone including Alex. He told me it could be our little secret and if it didn't work, no one but us would be the wiser. I wasn't sure my heart could take it but I foolishly, I thought, said yes.

It was then that I started sneaking around with my ex husband unbeknownst to anyone but him.