9 Months Pregnant

I've always said that at nine months pregnant no woman begs to be pregnant a little bit longer.  I was reluctant to have my first baby knowing that as soon as he entered the world exposed to it's many mysteries that his pain would become my pain, however, the pain he was causing my body, mind and soul at that point was so worth the swap. It was natures way of helping me separate and be ready for our individual selves to emerge.

When a child turns 18 it's not much different.  More about that later.

When I was a little girl, I had the mumps and my nieghbor brought me a Barbie house made out of cardboard with a cleverly built in elevator.  I was in heaven.  It was at that time that I wished for a little family that I could put in that house and make safe and sound with no pain or illness.  My quest for children of my own came early and stemmed from my happy childhood, my engaging siblings and my great parents. Family memories abound.

I grew up in Washington in a big family with 4 other siblings and two fun-loving parents who loved each other.  I was fortunate to have two sets of grandparents, a weekly trip to church each Sunday, private school, a great neighborhood and small town fun with fields to play in.  This was all before color TV, PC's and cell phones.  Simpler times, but no less complicated in it's own way.

We moved to the East Coast, I learned about other people, other times through historical places and about myself, then I came to Idaho to go to school.  I met my husband of 30+ on and off years and got pregnant for the first time at 24, a mere 3 years after getting married.

At this time,  some 29 or so odd years later, I am again 9 months pregnant with my 18 year old "baby".  I am comfortable with this space as I've been here twice before and experience brings it's comforts.  I don't really WISH for it to be OVER however I know we are both at a point that we are preparing to let go of the relationship we've known thus far and ready to move forward with an independance that is both necessary and inevitable, despite our probably collective misgivings.

I am once again at that point that I was when my first was born and the nurse brought him to my room.  I remember hearing him cry and realizing for the first time that everything that happend to him would now happen to me.  I felt overwhelmingly vulnerable and scared of what those things might be and I wanted to shield us both from the inevitable hurt that was bound to occur over our lifetimes that were undeniably interwoven.

I knew somewhere deep that I would also have many opportunities to rejoice in his happiness as well, but I was more afraid of the pain. At that moment I wanted those 9 months back and to have him safe in the womb with only the anticipation of what could be and all of it's many fantasies of lovely things to look forward to instead of the stark reality of life on earth.

It is no different now, with my third, a girl who will soon launch into the world as a young adult.  The discomfort of these last few months lead to an eventual letting go that is necessary for us to be able to cut that cord and get on with the business of growing up and moving on...but it's hard.  It's painful and it makes me want to grab her back and start from the beginning again to make sure we haven't missed anything important along the way.

It makes me alternately happy for us both but so very sad to see this chapter of our lives closing.  I wouldn't have it any other way and because I have the insight of letting two others go it feels like it might be okay, but....

She is the baby.  I came home tonight to an empty house, as my husband travels, with only a bunny rabbit to greet me and I sense an empty space that will, in a few short months, need to be filled with something other than her.  It is different.  This chapter feels like it's the closing of a very vital and important part of my being that began with a little cardboard structure with an elevator. 

I am going to hop on that elevator and see where it takes me....I am both scared and excited but this is natures way and if there is anything I try hard to respect, it is natures way.

I only hope nature goes easy on us as we approach our final months before the great launch into the world....