Love: Choice or Ability?

"Love is not a choice, it's an ability."  Name that movie. 

It's one of my favorite lines but it's also a bunch of malarky.  I believe that we are all born with the capacity to love beyond belief but that things can go haywire and we're left broken and confused about how to love or what love really is.

It's a big club we belong to.  I'm not sure I know anyone that truly knows what love is all about other than Mother Teresa. I think some people are a little bit better at it than others, perhaps because they had good examples but even people from the same family seem to have different abilities (okay, there it is again.)

People, namely children, can't even see beyond themselves because they are the center of the universe until they are about 3 or 4. They have to be taught to think of others and to consider their actions in the world. 

My first real act of love that I can remember is when my mom was in the hospital and my dad found himself alone at home with 5 kids.  My brothers went to school and my sisters were taking a nap so I had much coveted alone time with my charming father.  He suggested we eat lunch and included me in the process.

I stood almost at eye level with the cupboard he opened full of canned goods (lower cupboard mind you) and he asked me which soup I wanted.  I wonder if he thought I could read or he just thought I'd recognize the can??  When I pointed to one, he said are you sure?  I wasn't sure at all I was just drawn to the label for some reason. 

He let me stand on a chair watching the pot boil next to him while he prepared our lunch.  Then he lovingly poured it out into a bowl and as an afterthought included some saltines to the mix.  The look of anticipation on his face was so endearing as I took my first sip. 

My first bowl of cream of mushroom soup as a pre 4 year old was an act of love.  Like any little kid I hated it.  It was the first time I had my dad all to myself that I can recall and I was not going to reveal that this meal was a failure....so I plodded away, soaking it up with the tastier saltines and pretended I liked it beause what I really liked was him and having this special time together.

I was priveleged enough to see this same phenomenon when my son, Alex who was an avid brussel sprouts lover, so much so that he helped me plant and grow them in our very first garden, eat our first harvest.  After several weeks of watching them grow the long awaited moment came.  To this point we'd only ever had frozen brussel sprouts slathered in butter, grown by farmers that evidently knew what they were doing.

He was barely 4 years old.  I cooked them up and slathered them in butter and salt and we excitedly sat down and took our first bite.  His look of anticipation had to have matched mine as we prepared to be wowed!

Slowly savoring that first mouthful with joyful noises we both were horrified to discover that they were incredibly bitter and tough and not at all like the ones we were used to.  His face crumbled in disappointment while his mouth puckered up and he shuddered. I said, "They're not very good are they?"

He looked up at me with his big brown eyes and said, "They're okay mom, dont' worry, I'm just not very hungry."  A little tear escaped his eye.  And there it was.  That same moment.  That same act of love. 

Wanting so badly to share a special moment with our parent and having that moment flop. He knew I would be sad that he didn't like the brussel sprouts we'd painstakingly grown together, so he tried to mask his extreme dislike.

Was he born with an ability to love greater than anyone elses, was I?  Or did we learn somehwere along the way that we can make choices that show we love others.  We can put ourselves in someone elses shoes and have compassion for them.  We can show our love through sacrifice because maybe that's how love was demonstrated to us. 

Have you ever read the book, The 5 Love Languages?  If not, you might take a look.  What I've learned about it is that I want Acts of Love.  I want people to show me they love me, not tell me.  I trust actions more than words.  As a result I've been speaking that language all of my life, from my first memory of love forward. 

Is love a choice or an ability?  Perhaps it's both.  Growing up truly feeling loved has got to be key to being able to not only learn to receive it but to give it.  I was lucky.  I knew I was loved.  My parents were demonstrative and told me often and if they didn't they told me through their actions enough that I was secure in that knowledge.

I now know that my dad knew I didn't like the soup.  Not because he's around to tell me that anymore but because I am a parent and I know he knew every expression of my barely 4 year old face that hadn't learned to mask feelings yet and must have been able to read my thoughts in a way only a daddy can.

I wonder if he was as delighted by my denial that it was okay as I was by Alex's.  My guess is yes.  I'm guessing he knew I loved him.

The quote from the movie:???..... Dan in Real Life  I'll let you decide if love is a choice or an ability and in the meantime I hope your Valentines Day is filled with people you love speaking your "love language" and that you choose to be able to love them in return.