"Mom, did you ever feel loneliness after we were born?"

When my youngest daughter recently asked me about giving birth and how it went, for a class she was taking, I decided to send her an email because I couldn't possibly explain it all by text message. Once the floodgates were open I was shocked to find myself back in those early days of motherhood. 

When I explained each of my three deliveries, how they differed, how they were the same, how I felt, what I wish had been different, etc., she then emailed back, "I can't believe you ate a whole block of cream cheese in one sitting!" and "Did you ever feel loneliness in the first year after we were born?"

It was really hard to write back. 

I never want my children to feel like things might have been "off" in their childhood, however the reality and sticky, messy part of parenting is that it isn't always easy.

What I discovered as I wrote the story of my journey into motherhood is it was harder than I like to remember. It's nature I suppose, how we survive those early years and somehow as time goes on and kids get easier we forget how really hard it all can be.

This is how I replied:

"Yes, I was lonely with our first especially because we moved away from home, to Idaho Falls 1 week after he was born and I didn’t know anyone but your dad who worked a lot. We moved to Salt Lake City when he was 4 months old and there were two ladies there that I’d known from dads work when we lived in Boise, so at least I had them but they weren’t very nice to me. They had kids and they were both overweight as a result and they were just mean about the fact that I wasn't. One of them left out these super tiny curio things all over her house and “taught” her kids not to touch them. Alex didn’t do well at her house.

We also lived near Steve and JoAnn but they didn’t have any kids so we didn’t get together often. I didn’t work outside the home and we were super poor and I could only shop on triple coupon days. I loved being a mom but I was so lonely for family and friends. I’m sure I was depressed looking back. One day JoAnn said that she couldn’t understand why I’d want to be home with a baby. It kind of hurt my heart because I felt like she thought I should be working and that what I was doing wasn't important. When she delivered Lindsay, her first, she called me crying and apologized and said she totally got it now.

I went to the Catholic church hoping to find fellowship and friends. No one ever approached me or talked to me and I was too shy to put myself out there. I thought having a baby with me would help, but it felt more lonely to be with people who I thought should be MY people in the heavily populated Mormon state I lived in but I left disappointed. Your dad didn’t go to church back then so again I felt isolated.

Before he was born I never understood how a parent could be abusive. I had one of those moments when he was about two months old and he wouldn’t stop crying that I looked at our balcony and thought about just tossing him off of it. I started to sob at the thought of it so I put him in his crib and went and took a shower and sobbed for about 30 minutes. I kept thinking that I now understood how bad things can happen and that I was lucky enough to have the capacity to problem solve that moment and do something to take care of myself. When I returned he was sleeping peacefully in his crib. I cried until he woke up and I could hold him again. I never had that again with any of you.

When we moved away from Salt Lake City he was just over a year. I realized I didn’t have anyone to call to say goodbye to. That broke my heart and I promised that I would never let that happen again. When we got to Reno, I joined the Welcome Wagon and became very involved because I recognized I needed a village and I’d gone way too long without one. A year later I was getting a divorce and moving back home."

So yes, I experienced loneliness as a new mother. Which could be part of why I built a village around myself with the other two. A place where I would never be lonely and I could help others who perhaps were, especially other new moms.

Happy mother's day to all moms, new, and old but especially to those experiencing loneliness right now.  

Kids are a Risky Business

I am a firm believer that ALL kids are kids at risk.  No matter what sort of household you come from the possibility exists that you might experience toxic stress of some sort throughout your childhood that can result in a poorer outcome than if you didn't....and  we have no control over that stress as children.

In my 27 years of being lucky enough to be a part of many families lives I've met countless families raising children that experienced toxic stress such as homelessness, drug or alcohol abuse, domestic violence, poor nutrition, limited brain stimulation, hunger, poverty, death in the family and sometimes a combination of several of these.  Young children's brains develop differently when toxic stress is experienced and almost comes to virtual standstill in terms of development.  

Watching it happen is heartbreaking.  
 
We cared for the son of a former prostitute that we eventually reported for child abuse.  

We cared for the daughter of the meth addict that came close to death due to an elective surgery.  

We cared for the daughter of the heroin addict who got her act together and made their lives special and she is now in college. 

 We cared for several kids whose dads landed in jail off and on throughout their young lives yet some of them were able to be insulated from the chaos around their lives and have recovered nicely, some of them not.

We cared for the families with children with special needs who were hungry, not because they had special needs but because they didn't have enough money for food.

We cared for the families with foster children who experienced unspeakable physical & mental abuse as little people inflicted by their own mothers and fathers.

We cared for the little girl who was sexually abused by her step-father and other males in the house. There was more than one of these little girls and boys.

We cared for the homeless children who never got enough sleep at the shelter and were rarely bathed.

We cared for the special needs child who's mom didn't know she had a special need until we told her.

We cared for the baby who's mom was experiencing postpartum depression. 

We cared for the sons of a single mother that lost her battle to cancer.

We cared for the children that had to learn to live in a new home frequently due to divorce or general chaos in their parents' lives.

We cared for the girl who needed thousands of dollars in dental care but couldn't get it as her parents had no dental insurance.

We cared for the little boy who only had one pair of socks that he wore every day.

We cared for the little boy who's blanket smelled like a meth lab.

We cared for the babies of teen mothers who can lack emotional strength and maturity necessary to raise an infant as a separate being.

Sometimes parents don't have a clue about what is happening and one cannot tell them because for the most part there is very little they can do in the moment except fix their life and that of their child's one day at a time as solutions and information is obtained.

Therefore our job is to support the family through difficult times, focus on the child and their intense and unspoken needs, connect the parent with needed services and wait and watch.

The hardest part is letting go.  

They often move on from us due to the endless chaos in their lives, but for that short time, we do our best to impact in whatever ways are possible...then we have to learn to let go.

That's the part I hate.  That's the part that keeps me praying.  That's the part that is the hardest.

But sometimes, we make a difference.  Sometimes those kids and their parents overcome seemingly insurmountable problems in their lives and achieve a life of normalcy where the child thrives and so do the parents.  We don't always have a key part in helping that happen but more often than not, we do.

These real life examples all didn't happen to low-income families.  They didn't happen to just people without a college education.  They didn't happen to unlucky or undeserving folks.  They happened to people just like you or me.

There are no guarantees when a baby enters this world that if born into the right circumstances their lives will turn out better.  There are statistics that support this theory however there are no guarantees.  

Kids are a risky business and even with it's continual challenges I'm glad it's my business and that I get to be a part of reducing that risk even if only for one child.

"We ourselves feel that what we are doing is a drop in the ocean. But the ocean would be less because of that missing drop."  Mother Teresa